


I’m Not Your Innocent Princess, But You’re my Hard-Edged Prince

by jbsullivan17



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Porn, Tags give away plot and I don’t like that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-08-07 05:57:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: Clarke has the house to herself for the long weekend and Bellamy finds out...





	1. Friday Night

**Author's Note:**

> So I had a really amazing long weekend with my girlfriends. Actually it was two really amazing weekends with them this month, we went camping with our s/o’s two weekends ago and this weekend we went to a spa and it was amazing and I felt so calm and like my soul has settled for the first time ever.  
> Then of course the cosmos and it’s everloving balancing of the universe, I got into a bad car accident on my way home from said spa. I was in the hospital for three days and the only upside to that was writing Bellarke porn.

I am a whore for Bellamy Blake.

That being said, you should probably know that I’m a lot more than that, but for time restraints, that’s the essential information you need to know.

I, Clarke Emilia Griffin, am a whore for Bellamy Blake.

My mother went on a long weekend with her boyfriend and when I mentioned this in passing to Octavia carpooling with her older brother, Bellamy, after his debate club meeting, my art club meeting and her lacrosse practice, he gave me a look in the rearview mirror that made me freeze as my heart melted. I hadn’t made it completely obvious that I was one of his fangirls, because really, he’s gorgeous and everyone knows it, he knew it and he knew she’s a fangirl.

Octavia demanded I throw an impromptu party but Bellamy and I rolled our eyes, and he said he was ordering pizza for dinner, changing the subject into an immediate argument because the siblings could never agree on a topping and all I could think about was what time Bellamy would show up at my house.

When the Jeep pulled up to my house I hopped out the back, and as I waved to them, I caught Bellamy wink at me, my heart stuttering before I turned around and sauntered up to my house and heard the Jeep pull away as the door opened in front of me.

I probably looked obvious with the sway of my hips, and if Octavia were paying attention, she’d have texted me something already or made a lude comment while I was doing it, but neither had happened yet, and Bellamy and I had been fucking for weeks, not that anyone knew.

I knew it would be hours before he showed up, he had a closing shift at the Bean so once I was inside, I locked the front door and went up to my room before changing into leggings and his old soccer t-shirt he left some time before, and I never returned them. I collapsed on my bed and set an alarm on my phone for eight-thirty, a half hour before the Bean closed so I could get ready for him.

Jolting awake to the opening of Cold War Kids’ “So Tied Up”, I smirked at the setting sun out my window before getting up and taking a shower, making sure I smelled like strawberries for him, he always inhales a huge whiff of my hair as he’s taking me from behind, and I live for it.

I blow dried my hair, making sure the long blonde waves fall perfectly down my back. Bellamy’s all about imagery, and he’s got this thing about my hair, and even though it’s demanding and insanely patriarchal—letting him dictate how I look—but I love the dirty compliments that spew out of his mouth.

Dressing in one of my favorite bra and panties, I pulled a tank top on and the leggings from before, grabbing Pride and Prejudice from my book bag to read while I waited for him downstairs in the living room.

I unlocked the door, knowing he would pick the lock, and I delved into the literary world of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. I had read three chapters past where Mr. Pike asked when I heard the front door push open softly and Bellamy kicking off his boots. I closed the book just as his arms snaked around my neck.

“I missed you,” he sighed into my ear, licking my earlobe between his lips, sucking gently as I failed to suppress a shiver down my spine.

“Mmm,” I hummed, biting my lip before pressing a kiss to his forearm. “Does that mean you want to go to bed?”

 

“I’m too tired tonight. I just want to fall asleep holding you while we watch some shitty movie.”

I smiled and grimaced, thankful that Bellamy couldn’t see my face. We’ve never done this before. This is something new for us, and though I felt ready, I’m extremely nervous. We had all the time in the world this weekend; it’s not just a night my mother goes to a gala or some charity function she vaguely supported where Bellamy had to sneak out afterward. This was a whole weekend for us to relax and get to know each other in between bouts of intercourse.

“Okay,” I agreed and turned my head to look back at him. “My room?”

He nodded, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“Lock the door,” I commanded before unraveling myself from his arms and stood to turn the rest of the lights off downstairs, before guiding him up to my room.

Bellamy stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt while I pulled up Netflix on my Fire Stick and Bellamy pulled my tank top over my head for me while I found _To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before_ on Netflix, settling on the bed with his head on my stomach as the opening scene played out quietly from the TV.

Bellamy pushed off me and looked up, pulling my lips to his the moment we saw Josh in the meadow, and I smirked against his lips, feeling his growing erection against my leg. “Too tired, huh?”

“I am, you just get me going.”

“Mmm,” I hummed and got an idea. Pushing Bellamy over onto his back, I leaned over him and smirked before kissing him passionately.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re too tired, but... I’m not,” I smirked, pressing a kiss to his stubbles chin.

“Clarke…”

“Shh… relax, babe. I got you.”

Bellamy groaned when I kissed his chest, pressing soft kisses over every inch of exposed skin on his chest and when my hand skimmed over his boxers his hips jolted up, wanting more.

“Patience,” I smirked and I knew I was going to pay for it but, in the moment, I had control and I wasn’t giving it up because he’s impatient.

I pressed a kiss above his navel before moving lower and swirled my tongue around the divot. Bellamy shivered under my touch and pushed up into my hand and I chuckled, nipping the sensitive skin of his hip, pulling a growl out of him.

“What do you want, baby?” I asked softly, licking at the elastic of his boxers.

“I’d never say no to your mouth,” Bellamy groaned and I quirked an eyebrow at him.

“My mouth, huh?”

“Yeah, I want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, Princess.”

I smiled, pushing up to press a quick kiss to his lips before tugging at his waistband, having him lift his hips to shuck them off and I finally get the glorious view of his monumental cock.

I licked my lips, winking at him as my hand wrapped around his wide girth, giving a slow, meaningful stroke.

Bellamy’s head fell back as he stuttered out a breath and I smirked before leaning down and swirled my tongue over the bulbous pink head collecting the heady taste on my tongue and the musky smell up my nose. My favorite part about a tired Bellamy was getting to have my way with him and he gets to be in complete bliss.

Licking a solid stripe up the underside of his cock, I took the head in my mouth fully and sucking on just the tip as my tongue ravaged the underside. My hand wrapped around the base and I jerked off the rest of his length while my tongue’s ministrations drove him crazy.

“Babe,” he breathed and I smiled releasing him from my mouth.

“Yes?”

“You’re such a tease,” he sighed shaking his head as my fingers danced lightly over his shaft.

“Oh, I thought you needed something.”

“I need your mouth back on me,” he smiled before pulling me up swiftly for a kiss.

I smiled at him, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips and sliding back down his chest and took his hard throbbing cock in my mouth again. Teasing him with speed, I brought him to the edge quickly as I sucked him hard and fast, his fingers tangled in my hair trying to scramble for some semblance of control until I slowed it down, letting my tongue lap at him more. I played with his balls some and pushed my hand up his abs to his pecs and flicked his nipple eliciting a growl from the bowels of his throat.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he bottomed out at the back of my throat, remembering to breathe through my nose.

I felt him pulsing against my tongue, so I pulled back giving him long drown out strokes and watched him hold back the urge to thrust into my mouth.

Moments later, he shot his release out on my tongue, and I sucked him dry, the musky, salty taste one of my favorites as Bellamy pulled me back up to him and licked into my tongue as I’m swallowing him down.

“You’re amazing,” he sighed sleepily, curling me into his side as I watched him drift to sleep as Peter and Josh talked outside the Covey house.

 _I love you_ , I thought as my eyes drifted shut for the fifth time as Gen was trying to make Lara Jean jealous after the ski trip.


	2. Saturday Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a weird turn... I need to go to confession...

I woke up the next morning with Bellamy spooning me.

It was one of those moments where I wished it could last forever, it was something I always wanted with him but never actually got to experience, so the fact that I was dying to go to the bathroom wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for.

I snuck out from beneath his grasp, changed into a skirt, hoping it would appease him from possibly being irritated about my absence in bed, and a sweater before going to the bathroom down the hall and then down to the kitchen for some coffee. I filled the carafe with water and fresh coffee grounds in the steeper and turned the ancient machine on.

I felt a hot swipe up my inner thighs and ass, cool air hit my rear as my skirt flew up before he smiled at me before grabbing me by the neck up into a demandingly sweet kiss, his tongue lapped into my mouth.

His hand slid down my chest, cupping my breast. His eyes playful and lips parted before spinning me around, pressing himself into my back, so I could feel how much he wanted me as his hands stretched my neck. My head leaned back on his shoulder as his lips tugged on my earlobe shooting a quivering jolt of heat down to my core. His hand slid back down my side and turned my hips as he rucked up my skirt exposing my white lace panties.

I bent over the counter as Bellamy knelt behind me, pushing my skirt up over my round bottom and to my torso. Kissing my plump cheek, he spanked the other, and I moaned, loving everything he does to me.

Jumping up, his lips collided with mine and he devoured my mouth like it’s the last time he’ll ever kiss me (it better not be). His hands traveled, one stayed up in my hair and on my neck but the other squeezed my ass, circling to the front of my mound and teased his fingers gently then roughly against my slit through my panties. His lips never gave mine up, especially when I gasped into his mouth when he slapped my cunt. Not once, not twice, but three times and my legs were quivering for him, my cunt ached as I tried to regain some semblance of dignity, knowing he’s taken every ounce of self-respect I had for myself and I couldn’t even care. This was too good; he’s too good.

Bellamy lifted me onto the counter, spreading my thighs wide as his fingers slid up and down my soaked panties as I tried not to squirm, begging for more. He slapped my cunt again and I groaned, causing him to look up at me before looking back to my cunt, stretching my panties up and down, viewing my soaked lips through the wet lace before pulling it to the side for a proper view. He released my panties with a THWACK back against my sensitive mound and pushed the fabric aside he let his fingers play and toy with my folds before a big sweeping lick of his tongue swept over me, and I bit my lip repressing a moan. Watching him with hooded eyes as he flicked and slapped my clit was euphoric all on its own but adding the heat of his gaze made me want to jump his bones more than ever, though I knew this was his game.

He lifted off his knees as his fingers pulled away, his head concealing my view of his intentions until suddenly I felt it, jolting slightly at the oddly cool sensation of his spit sliding down over my clit and between my vulvas, pooling at the entrance of my cunt before sliding over my ass and onto the counter. Bellamy’s finger slipped inside me briefly before his tongue flicked my clit and pulled back to watch more saliva move over my cunt.

He stood back up, and I thought he was going to kiss me but he placed two fingers against my bottom lip, and I sucked them into my mouth, tasting myself on them and giving him what he wanted, my saliva. Before letting it fall from his fingertips he brought it back to my clit and let it drip and watched it slide down before Bellamy sucked my clit hard into his mouth, letting his teeth scrape against the sensitive nub and I whimpered, combing my fingers into his long, messy bed head curls, momentarily forgetting what this was.

I pulled my hand from his head as he stood and slapped me across the face and yanked me off the counter by my neck. He pulled my back against him before bending me back over the counter and spanked me. He kissed the sensitive skin he abused before yanking my panties down my thighs, and I stepped out of them, he flossed my backside with them before shoving them in my mouth.

“Naughty girl,” he scolded before dropping back to his knees, the words effectively soaking my cunt again. My ass in front of his face, he plied the soft flesh to his will. I watched him over my shoulder, his eyes never leaving my cunt. Licking at my folds was all he could do from this angle, and I knew he quickly tired of not having more options. He stood, turning my head back around so I couldn’t see his intention as his fingers toyed with my clit, I felt the hot tip of his thick veiny cock against my backside, and I moaned, too ready, too eager for him to fuck me.

Slapping the head against my cunt, I pushed back, and Bellamy spanked me twice as hard as usual but pushed his bulbous member inside me, just the tip before he pulled out and slapped my cunt getting it wetter and wetter for him with each one.

He’s ruined me for anyone else; there’s no one for me but him. No one could fuck me as well as Bellamy could, I think as he pushed himself all the way in me, pushing me back down, so I was lying against the counter. He pulled in and out of me quickly, his balls slapping against my clit and I was confident I was going to come. Bellamy slammed into me, staying there as he bent over and put a finger against my lips telling me to quiet down, probably forgetting that my mother wasn’t home and we could be as loud as we wanted. He pulled off me and slammed back into me roughly, pumping fast and shallow right against my g-spot and I was going to come… until he changed the angle to long, slow thrusts that were agonizingly delicious when he hit the back of my channel.

He spanked me roughly five times before pulling me up by my hair and forcing me to my knees. Bellamy leaned over me and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “My God, Princess. If I pull these panties out of your mouth, my cock’s going to replace it. Does that sound good to you?”

I nodded, glancing down at his long, thick shaft, salivating at the thought of choking on it. Bellamy pulled my panties out of my mouth as slowly as possible, probably loving the show and the moment they were out of my mouth. His cock slapped against my bottom lip and I sucked him into my mouth, granted it was dry from the panties soaking up all the moisture, just the taste of my juices on his cock had me salivating again as I took him deeper and deeper. Before I knew it his hands were in my hair guiding my motions until finally he pushed his way down my throat and my face was shoved against his pubic bone until I couldn’t breathe.

“Choke on my cock, pretty thing. I want to feel your throat closing around my cock. You want that? Are you my filthy girl?”

I nodded as I rubbed my lips and tongue along the side of his shaft, feeling every bulging vein, recording it to memory for when I ached to draw it after he leaves. I licked him back into my mouth, giving him all the control, fucking my throat raw until he’s on the verge of coming and he pulled away, not willing this to end. He leaned over and kissed me sweetly, a brush of his lips, once, twice, _SLAP!_ His cock back in my mouth, down my throat, convulsing around the not-so-foreign object preventing me from breathing, from living. Black spots prickled at the edge of my vision, and I gagged loudly, trying to get him to stop, knowing I couldn’t touch him without the world crashing back down around him.

He pulled out of my mouth, letting me breathe momentarily before pushing back in and leaned over me, lifting my skirt and slapped my ass so hard I scream around his cock. He must like that because without warning he’s fucking my throat rougher and harder, and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, hear or think anything other than Bellamy and it was glorious.

“Get up,” he growled, and I stood, his cock popping out of my mouth before he spun me around and lifted my leg back up on the counter, sliding his fingers between my folds. I barely hear him curse before I felt a finger inside me as his thumb rubbed my clit. I jolted before recognizing the slap as another one came down on my cunt before his cock slid inside me again as he took me from behind, making me wish I could see his glorious cock pounding into me. I looked up at him over my shoulder and found him watching me with dark, desperate eyes, and I didn’t know what he was looking for. This was his show, his masterpiece, his work of art, I couldn’t claim any of it.

He pulled my leg off the counter and pushed my thighs together and _fuck_ he felt bigger, hitting every nerve of my cunt, hitting the back wall and making me see stars. There’s no one else in this world for me, and I didn’t think he’d ever want that. Slamming into me from behind, Bellamy’s hand wrapped around my throat and my breaths grew shallow, bringing my building orgasm to the forefront and as my walls began to quiver and shake around Bellamy’s cock, he stilled inside me and lifted me off the counter, off the floor. Carrying me with him inside me to the dining room table where he deposited me on my back.

Moving a chair out of his way Bellamy dropped to the floor and licked into my cunt and I tried not to squirm or call out, biting my lip and shuttering out a breath. He stood and leaned over me. “How much do you want this dick?” he demanded, and I nodded, not because I simply wanted his cock, but because I needed it, I needed him, and there was something too vulnerable and disconcerting about that fact.

Maybe he sensed that. Maybe he changed his mind about me because suddenly I didn’t feel him around me. His absence in the room sent a chill through me when I pushed up off the table and found him on the floor of the living room, his head in his hands.

“Bellamy…”

He shook his head, not saying anything.

“Bellamy, what is it?”

“You… you don’t deserve this.”

He stood and walked past me to the stairs I tried following him but I was too late and he sped past me back down the stairs and out the door.


	3. Saturday Afternoon

After a shower, I drove over to Bellamy’s house, knowing Octavia was with the lacrosse team and pushed the front door open. I searched the living room and kitchen before heading down the hallway to Bellamy’s room, finding him there, sitting on the floor with his head in his hands on his knees.

Sighing, I sat next to him, taking his hand in mine. “Why did you leave?”

“You’re not a whore. Why are you letting me fuck you like one?”

“Did I say no?”

“What?” he grimaced and jerked his head towards me, barely making eye contact before turning back to the ground.

“I don’t remember saying no,” I said softly, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “I’m pretty sure I never say no to you.”

“Yeah, I—I know.”

“So why did you run? Did—did I do something? Do you not like me anymore?”

“God, no! Jesus, Clarke. You’re perfect, always. It’s me. I’m—I’m fucked up, I should never have touched you like that.”

I bit my lip, not ashamed exactly, but the words I wanted to say felt a little too foreign on my tongue. “I liked it, Bellamy. You can choke me and spank me and throw me around the room all you want. I trust you not to hurt me too bad.”

He shook his head. “You don’t get it. I shouldn’t _want_ to do that to you. I shouldn’t _like_ doing that to you.”

“I know. I know I’m not supposed to like it either, but I do. I like every kind of sex we have.”

“That’s not sex, that’s possession. I’m—“

“You’re possessed when you do that to me?”

“See… ‘When I do that to you.’ That’s exactly what happens, Clarke. I never give you a choice; I never let you say no or stop. I’m possessed with needing you.”

“That’s not how that word works.”

“I’m compelled then, Clarke. Who gives a fuck what word I use when I’m saying I don’t control it!”

I knew I should have wanted to explore that part of this conversation, his compulsion to hurt me, get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of it, but I’ve also known Bellamy since we were nine and never once did he give off the vibe of being a psychopath. He’s the most empathetic person I know, he cares so much, maybe even too much sometimes, but he’s not a sadistic serial killer. There’s a part of me though that wanted to push him further, have him admit what we both knew was why he was so into being rough and that part of me, that part that was its own version of sadistic, shown through more.

“You enjoy it though, right? You enjoy fucking me like I’m your own personal rag doll?”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” he sneered.

“But it’s true. You enjoy tossing me around like it’s nothing. There’s joy in your eyes while you do it.”

“ _Enough_ , Clarke! Jesus, do you not know when to stop? Do you not give a shit about me to care about what I want?”

I sighed, because how could he not see how I felt after the last eight years? I’m completely in love with him and though I’m not supposed to because he’s my best friend’s brother, because he’s from “the wrong side of the tracks,” I’m still in love with him, and it’d been getting to the point where I didn’t care who knew. I didn’t care if Octavia hated me, or my mother disowned me because I’d have Bellamy, even if it were a fleeting high school romance or if it lasted my whole life, I’d know what it was like to love Bellamy Blake openly and be loved by him.

I reached over and turned his head so he’d look at me, “Is that what you think of me? That I don’t care about you?”

He huffed, giving me that too familiar indignant look that I hated.

“It’s the complete opposite. I care so much about you,” I bite the bullet. “I—I love you.”

“That’s fucked up, Clarke. You realize that, right? You love me? I—“

“Fine! Then tell me you don’t love me and this can all end. I’ll walk away, and this could be the end of it all. We won’t sneak around, and no one will know the better.”

“Octavia will know something was up. You have heartbreak written all over your face right now, baby, and I haven’t even said anything.”

 _“Baby,” that’s got to be a good sign, right?_ Regardless, I looked away, not certain of his intentions, my bravery faltered, and my eyes were glued on the copy of _De Architectura_ in the original Latin text that was sticking out from under his bed. I wondered what he’d sound like speaking Latin during sex, how hot that would be.

“Clarke,” he sighed and cupped my cheek, bringing me back to him and our current predicament, I shouldn’t think about future intercourse with him when I didn’t know how he felt. “You deserve so much more than me, than this place. We’re going to graduate in four months, and you’re going to go to some amazing school in some amazing city that will inspire you in every conceivable way, and I’m going to be stuck here at the community college if I’m lucky. I might become a teacher if I can, but I’ll be the guy that peaked in high school, that marries someone who doesn’t inspire me to be more. I’ll be that grouchy teacher that all the kids hate by thirty-two. What I feel towards you right now doesn’t matter because I refuse to be the one that holds you back.”

God damn him! “What the hell is wrong with you?” I spat, shoving him away. How could he do this? Maybe I was wrong about him the whole time. “Was this all just some joke to you? ‘My sister’s best friend, going to be a fucking stereotype and break her heart’?”

“Fuck no, Clarke…” he sighed, moving closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist so I couldn’t escape him. He still felt like home. “I’m so in love with you, baby.” He kissed my shoulder, and I refused to let the tears fall. “God, you have no idea how much I love you, but that’s how I know that I have to let you go because there is so much more for you in this world and I can’t keep you from it.”

“Fine, just don’t push me away now. Please, at least give us until August, I don’t want to be here every day and not be able to…” I shook my head, and a tear fell. Bellamy wiped it away with his thumb, and I wanted to lean into him, I wanted to know what loving Bellamy Blake was like and it’s completely heartbreaking.

“Of course, I want that too. Please, baby, stop crying. I love you, and I want the best for you, and it’s not me. It breaks my heart saying that but it’s true, you’re going to be amazing. I can’t hold you back from fulfilling your potential.”

“You can’t say that, Bellamy. You don’t have the right to make that decision for me. It’s my life, and if I want to stay here and go to Ark U instead of going to Cornell or Rutgers or God, some fucking Ivy League bullshit, that’s my decision and a conversation for us to have about our relationship. If we want to end it or try long distance, it’s my decision and our discussion. But you need to think more of yourself because you are the smartest person in our grade, you fucking taught yourself Latin! Don’t you dare sell yourself short and not go to a college that teaches you something more than you teach it. You deserve more than a community college, Bellamy.”

“That doesn’t matter, Clarke. Octavia matters, her future matters, and I’m not going to tell her she can’t go to college because we don’t have money to send her because I was selfish and used it on myself.”

I pushed him away. He’s so damn infuriating! “You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re a princess that thinks everyone gets the same opportunities that you do. We don’t.”

“I don’t think that. I just think you need to try harder than you are!”

“I don’t want to argue with you about this,” he sighed, dropping his head on my shoulder. “My decision, remember?”

I scoffed, he’s a real idiot sometimes, and I can’t believe that he thought I wasn’t going to, somehow, make it possible for him to go to Davidson College or Amherst like he’s always wanted, the best classics programs in the country that aren’t pretentious Ivy League. I could go to UnC Charlotte and be thirty minutes from Davidson or UMass Amherst and be in the same town. We could still be together if he had applied like she begged him to at the beginning of the school year.

“Did you even apply to colleges?”

“With what money, Clarke?” he asked sounding completely defeated. “I’m not going to spend seventy-five dollars just to get rejected.”

“You really think you’re going to get rejected with a transcript like yours? Your glowing recommendations? Come on, Bellamy! You could have had a full ride playing soccer!”

“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apply.”

“What about those scouts who were looking at you? Could you go back and talk to some of them? They’re probably still interested, and if not for this fall than the next, you can still work out, I’m sure Coach Pike would love to keep you training.”

“Stop, Clarke. It’s done, okay? Can we table everything until August like you wanted?”

Holding back a sigh, I conceded, for now, this wasn’t the end of this conversation, he doesn’t see his potential. He has high ambitions but won’t give himself the chance to get the education to obtain those ambitions. If he’s going to be my cheerleader than I’m going to be his, he deserves the world more than I do.

“Okay,” I nodded, looking at him and he smiled weakly, dropping a kiss on my shoulder. “What are we going to do now?”

“I want to fuck you. Properly, the way you deserve.”

I quirked an eyebrow at him, “Are you saying I don’t deserve what we did this morning? I quite liked that.”

Bellamy laughed, “You really like that?” I nodded, leaning into him. “We can discuss that, but that’s not what we’re going to do now. Do you want to go home or stay here?”

“I want to fuck on your bed, it’s always at my place, and I like your bed.”

“Why? Because you first kissed me on this bed?”

I smiled at the memory, the nightmare that brought me to his room, the way he stroked my back to calm me down after I woke him up and falling asleep in his arms. Waking up hours later to the sun and finding him already awake and watching me, his grasp tight and unwavering around my waist. Our horrid breaths mingling and I couldn’t take the look in his eyes, so I leaned in the mere inches and kissed him, my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see that look, but also, mainly, because I wanted to. Needed too for the longest time and after everything that had happened in those last twelve hours, I couldn’t exactly stop myself. The shocker was when he kissed me back.

“I was freaking out thinking I’d ruined our friendship,” I admitted.

“Even if I didn’t feel this way about you, I wouldn’t have let it be awkward after. I’m not a complete dick.”

“You would have been an asshole, but then after making me cry, you’d have bought me ice cream to make up for it while making horrible jokes about Roman bathhouses.”

“I’m that predictable, huh?”

“Back then you were. You were obsessed with their hygiene, it was weird.”

He shrugged, kissing my shoulder for the millionth time. “Come on,” he laughed. “Let me make you feel good.”

Shaking my head I stood, wondering how we got in the position where I was between his legs instead of against the wall next to him. He stood, holding me to him again as he kissed my temple and I understood how all those girls fell for Bellamy, he’s very affectionate. He loved me, but even before that, I’d seen him with other girls, and he was affectionate with them, and it wasn’t exactly a question of if I was going to fall for him, but a matter of when. When was there a good time to fall for Bellamy Blake? Certainly not a year before we’re supposed to head off to college. If I didn’t kiss him that morning, I knew I’d regret it, but I also didn’t expect to be hiding it as we’ve been. I didn’t want to hide how I felt, it’s difficult already hanging out with Octavia and not being about to tell her about her boyfriend. Not that Octavia would want to hear about her brother in that way but there was something to be said about the Blake siblings and happiness, it was infectious with them, spreading like wildfire but also snuffed out like a candle.

“You okay?” he asked softly, and I smiled at him.

“Yeah, just thinking about Octavia. I feel guilty. I can’t talk to her about the best part of my life.”

Sighing, he pulled me the small distance over to his bed. “I know. Me too. It’s five more months of her not knowing before you go.”

I nodded, he’s right. It’s just five months, and we’ve gotten away with this for seven already, we can do it. “I don’t want sex right now, Bellamy. I just want to lay here with you for a while. Can we do that? I’m kind of drained.”

“Of course, baby. You want to put something on Netflix?”

“You choose. I want a nap.”

“A nap sounds great,” he agreed, pulling me down next to him onto a pillow. He kissed my neck as I slowly drifted to sleep in his arms.


	4. Saturday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original title was “Fuck Me ‘Til I See Stars” but now that I know where it’s going because I can’t just do PWP (there has to be a story, there has to be a reason! I’m problematic to myself). So I changed the title and I’m not happy with it either but it’s closer to where I want this to be than “Fuck Me ‘Til I See Stars” so it’s staying.

“Bellamy!” I heard jolting awake, Bellamy’s arm tightening around me. I looked over my shoulder, he was still sound asleep, so I detangled myself from him and headed downstairs to find Octavia.

“Hey,” I said roughly, before clearing my throat and going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Octavia was already there doing the same thing.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming over? I would have ditched Lincoln.”

“We both know that’s a lie and I was trying to talk Bellamy into going to a real college. You need to tell him that you and Aurora applied for him.”

“I’ll do that when she’s around. Wait, you haven’t gotten any in the mail yet, have you?” she asked nervously. That was something that Clarke didn’t want to be around to witness.

“No, but they’re coming within the next two weeks.”

Octavia grimaced, “Is he still saying he didn’t apply because of me?”

“Of course, you’re his priority.”

Octavia scoffed, “He’s five years older than me, that shouldn’t be the case.”

“Yeah, but you know how he is, and you know how Aurora was back then, way more than I do.”

“She wasn’t a bad mom; it was more of us being quiet in the maid’s closet of the motel while she cleaned the rooms. We were alone a lot of the time, but he was good at taking care of me. She couldn’t take maternity leave because his father was dead and my father ran off, so she had no money to spare. She did what she could.”

“You’ve never told me that before,” I grimaced wondering how much I didn’t know about my best friend’s life. (My boyfriend’s too.)

“It’s embarrassing, I didn’t tell anyone. What is he doing up there?”

“Sleeping. We fell asleep watching something on Netflix after he told me to drop it.”

“You’re a good friend to him,” Octavia smile and my stomach dropped. _That’s not all we are._

I smiled at her, and she went to the fridge and looked inside to see what she could make for dinner in Bellamy’s absence. I grabbed my phone from my jacket and was scrolling through Instagram aimlessly when I heard Bellamy come in the room and I froze at his words, my thumb still scrolling.

“Hey, babe, if you were—O, hey! I didn’t hear you come in.”

Octavia grimaced, crossing her arms and looking between them. “Who’s ‘babe’?”

“What?” he grimaced, leaning against the counter, rubbing his eyes.

“You called Clarke babe like it’s easy and normal.”

“Yeah, maybe it is,” his eyes on me begging for help.

“Clarke,” Octavia said sternly and I jumped.

“I—I kissed him, okay? He was acting stupid and those damn freckles wore me down,” I admitted, and it was partly true, his freckles were a huge turn on.

“Ew. I’ll break whoever breaks the other’s heart, got it? Ughhh, Clarke never talk about sex with him, I already know too much. Wait, when did this start?”

“September,” Bellamy said looking slightly confused.

“Makes sense, you’ve been sneaking around all year.”

“You’re okay with this?”

“Yeah, though I’m sure Abby won’t be happy with it because you’re nineteen and Clarke’s seventeen, you should be fine if she doesn’t find out. Oh, my God! You’ve been sneaking around on the nights and weekends of the galas and conferences. Jesus, you guys are gross!”

I laughed, she had a point, our relationship was mainly physical, and if she knew the deals, she’d be very disturbed.

Bellamy’s eyes locked on mine and I smiled at him. He’s something else.

“Okay, enough of _that_ lovebirds, what are we going to do about dinner?”

“I was going to take my girl out,” Bellamy admitted sheepishly, and the stupidest smile spread across my face and I couldn’t stop smiling, this man made me stupidly happy.

“Ew! Gross! Bye!” Octavia practically ran out of the room as Bellamy closed in on me and wrapped me in his arms before pressing a chaise kiss to my lips.

“You just told your sister we’re together and she didn’t freak out.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “She’s been shipping us for a while. I thought she was a creep.”

I laughed, “You’re taking me on a date?”

“No, I really don’t want to sit in a restaurant. I kind of hate them, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“I have, that’s why I was surprised.”

“I was thinking carryout and maybe a picnic at the fountain.”

“God, who are you and what have you done with my Bellamy? He’s not a romantic.”

“I’m very romantic. I really like having sex with you, it’s rather intoxicating.”

“Wait, what?”

“You do this thing… I don’t even know how to describe it, but I can’t get enough,” he admitted and watching the red flush creep up his neck to his face was too cute.

I smiled. “I love you.”

He sighed, “I love you.”

That wasn’t what I imagined it would be. I didn’t think that saying those words would pain him and I hated seeing that. I hated that he’s so hard on himself, that he thought that he wasn’t worthy of anything he truly deserved more than I did. He had the potential to change the world, I don’t, and I didn’t know how he saw everything inverted.

* * *

 

As Bellamy drove down the road after running into Smash Burger for our dinner, I stared out the window as the street lights began fading into darkness behind us and I knew he changed his mind about the fountain. Not caring, my mind drifted as the dark budding trees flew past us. I thought about the first time I finally got my mouth on him.

_It was the Annual Jaha Christmas gala, and I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t be in that place without Wells or Dad, so I texted Bellamy. He picked me up at the road fifteen minutes later like clockwork and he took me home, to Octavia. She knew how to handle me after those galas and though I wanted Bellamy, I knew Octavia was the better option after all those emotions._

_“Before you go in,” he said stepping on the stoop behind me as my hand grasped the doorknob. “Am I still seeing you on the twenty-sixth?”_

_“Yeah, unless you don’t want to.”_

_“Of course I do. I have a shift in the early morning, but I’ll pick you up at noon and you’ll get your present.”_

_“You didn’t go over the top, right? We had a limit.”_

_“Fifty dollars. I know,” he rolled his eyes with that sparkle that told me he didn’t mean it. “You’re stunning by the way.”_

_I smiled, I knew I looked ridiculous with the mascara and eyeliner streaming down my cheeks that I hastily wiped away. I also knew it was Bellamy and he wouldn’t say it just to make me feel better. He meant it._

_“Thanks, Bell,” I said softly before opening the door and headed inside and down the hall to Octavia’s room, finding her lounging on her bed playing with the iPad I regifted her for her birthday over the summer. “Hey,” I said, my voice a little rougher than it was with Bellamy a moment ago._

_“What happened?” Octavia shot up and glared at me as I stood in the doorway._

_Of course Octavia made it better as best she could. She knew she couldn’t replace Wells and though I’ve tried letting Octavia in as much as I did Wells, it wasn’t the same. Wells had been around since I could remember and Octavia’s been around for a few years, the difference was too immense._

_I heard the shower turn off down the hall when the new Taylor Swift music video was over and told Octavia that I was going to grab a glass of water. Declining, she started a new video, and I knew she wouldn’t come up for air for a while with the whole rabbit hole effect that YouTube had on people._

_I walked out of her bedroom, closing the door behind me and pushed the bathroom door open, the lock had broken months ago. Bellamy hadn’t had the time to fix it yet, lucky me. I slipped in and Bellamy spun around with a blue towel tightly around his waist and I smiled at him._

_“What are you doing?” He asked trying to be serious but couldn’t help the smile that came through with his words._

_“Octavia’s three videos deep in the YouTube rabbit hole, we have twenty minutes before she comes up for air and I wanted to see you.”_

_“Right now? When I’m getting out of the shower?”_

_I smirked, maybe my intentions weren’t entirely pure. Stepping into him, my hands slid up his taught, muscled torso to his neck and pulled him down into a sweet kiss._

_“You know, when you kiss me like that I get suspicious,” he smirked, and I laughed._

_“Well, this time you’re right. I have ulterior motives.”_

_My hands slid back down his chest, over the defined “v” at his hips that dipped under the towel. My fingers wrapped around the hem and his hand wrapped around hers. “Clarke…”_

_“I want to do something for you. You do everything for me and I just want to do something for you,” I looked up at him through my lashes, watching him shutter out a breath._

_“God, I can’t say no to you.”_

_I laughed, pressing a kiss to his chin before I dropped to my knees as the towel fell from his hips to the floor. My eyes dropped from his face to his cock that was now in my face, and it was half-hard before I got my hand around it, slowly stroking as my eyes locked back up with his dark hooded ones._

_His hands clung to the sink behind him, his knuckles white and I wondered if he was holding himself back or wanting to stop me. Not that it mattered though because the moment my mouth was around his cock, tasting the precum that dripped out onto my tongue. Tangy, I moaned, taking him further into my mouth. I didn’t know what I was doing, this was my first blow job. My last boyfriend, Finn, wasn’t into oral so much so I didn’t experience it any earlier and…_

_Snapping myself out of that train of thought, I looked back up into Bellamy’s eyes, vaguely hearing his soft, dirty praises as I sucked him off, my hand helping at the base, getting full coverage and getting him there quicker, I hoped._

_One of his hands delve into my hair steadying my rhythm, slowing me down to what he liked and I was grateful. The inexperience weighing on me now more than ever as he took control._

_“God, baby, your mouth is perfect…. That fucking red lipstick is smearing all over my cock… it’s a sight… fuck, fuck, babe, I’m gonna—“_

_I took charge again, sucking a little harder, bobbing a little faster, and aching to taste more of him. I needed to see what he looked like when he came. He’s always been so controlled, so put together that he never let me pleasure him like he had me. Maybe it’s the slight age difference, maybe it’s juvie, but he has never let me help him over the edge and I couldn’t not see this any longer._

_“Babe, I’m gonna—“_

_I tapped his hip twice letting him know I was good, whenever he wanted to, I was there._

_His breath stuttered and he stilled my movements, his cock pulsing against my tongue as I tasted more of his tangy, salty come as it spurt out onto my tongue and down my throat. I swallowed it just as Bellamy pulled me back up to stand and he kissed me, his tongue sliding between my lips, practically chasing his own taste._

_“You didn’t have to swallow,” he said, his forehead pressed against mine as he tried catching his breath._

_“I wanted to,” I said looking down between us at the mess I made of his softening cock. The red lipstick smeared pink across his entire shaft._

_Bellamy huffed out a laugh as I brought my eyes back up to his. “It was so hot.”_

_I smiled before my brain reminded me of Octavia. “I should get back.”_

_“Wash your face, make her think that’s what you were doing.”_

“Babe, where’d you go?” Bellamy asked, snapping me out of my reverie.

“Sorry, I just… I was thinking about the first time I blew you.”

He chuckled at that. “You were so sure of yourself in the beginning but you faltered towards the end. It was very cute and got me there.”

“Wow, so I should bring nervous Clarke into the rotation for you?”

“God, that’d be hot, but I don’t want you faking anything for me. I like you how you are,” he smirked over at me as his hand landed on my knee and I shivered.

It was stupid, shivering over such a small move that he’s done countless times in the last eight months when he wasn’t nervous about anyone finding out about us, but there was something different about tonight, something I couldn’t quite place.

He pulled the Jeep over on the overlook on the mountain, looking down over the river valley and I smiled. I loved this spot, my dad used to take me here when my mom was too overbearing, it was far too often than it should have been and I sometimes wondered why he was still with her if that was his response.

I opened the door and hopped out with the food, letting Bellamy take care of our drinks, and I popped the trunk open, jumping up to sit with my feet dangling over the back. Bellamy chuckled sitting next to me as I opened the bag of food and handed him his burger.

“My dad used to take me here,” I said softly when I was through a majority of my burger.

“Yeah? Do you want to go?”

“No, it was mostly when my mom was my mom. I’ve always wanted to sketch the view, but I never had any paper with me to do it.”

“I’ll bring you back one weekend. I can read while you sketch.”

“I’d like that. Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Why were you in juvie? Why did it hold you back?”

“You’d think it wouldn’t,” he grimaced, popping a fry in his mouth. “Um, it’s complicated. Octavia was being arrested, I thought I’d have to bail her out and we didn’t have money to do that so I fought the arresting officer before he had the cuffs on her and so he arrested me instead. It wasn’t that I thought she couldn’t handle being arrested, it was that she shouldn’t have had to. It was petty theft, and she was just eleven, it was stupid. I think like sixty dollars’ worth of shit and I don’t even know what it was, probably clothes. I got it all, the theft and assaulting an officer. Two years of juvie, getting out on my eighteenth birthday and three years of probation.

“The schooling wasn’t that great in there if you could even say it existed, I think they had a teacher in there maybe a total of three months. Teaching delinquents wasn’t exactly high on any teacher’s list of things to do. I read as much as I could, kept my head down, kicked the shit out of every new guy who thought they could kick _my_ ass for respect for the other guys.”

“Is that where you got all your scars from?”

“A good number of them. So when I got out of juvie, they said I could either go back to school or I could get my GED, and I didn’t want my GED, it’s not as good as a high school diploma for employers or college if I ever go.”

“You should go to college, Bellamy. You definitely have the grades, and you could get some good scholarships and grants.”

“We discussed this, I’m not going. I’ll continue working at the bar and—“

“I hate how little you believe in yourself,” I grimaced, looking out over the valley.

“Baby, I’m not saying that I will never go. I’ll go after Octavia, and I’ll work and help Aurora save up money to send her to college.”

“You might want to talk to them about it because I’m not the only one who wants you to go.”

“You didn’t do anything, did you?”

Clarke turned her head and glared at him and his ridged tone. “No, I didn’t do anything and if you’re going to act like this, I’m going home! God, Bellamy, you have people who love you, people who want you to be more than a bartender in this small-minded suburban town. Why don’t you want that for yourself?”

“Because Octavia needs it more! I can live here and put up with everyone’s glares and judgements, but she deserves better. She deserves the world and if you don’t think that, then what the hell are you doing here?”

“You’re right, Octavia deserves more than this town, but she’s not the only one. Don’t put your life on the side for someone else, if you can have a life with the help of scholarships and grants. There are so many for people in juvie and a single parent and minorities.”

“Yeah, because I love when people pity me and throw money at me to make my life better when their judgments are what makes me less than them in the first place. You know I will never do that, Clarke.”

I scoffed, defeated. “Whatever, Bellamy. If you’re not going to try bettering your own life, no one else is.”

“I didn’t ask you to! You just Bogart your way into situations that other people don’t want you in,” he growled. “But then again you always know what’s best for everybody.”

“Screw you, Bellamy! God forbid I want the man I love to be happy!”

“I don’t get to be happy! _This._ This, here with you, Clarke, is the only happiness I’m ever going to get! So don’t you dare tell me that I deserve more because this is all I’m going to get. Hell, I don’t want it if you’re just going to argue with me about _my_ future. I don’t fucking get one.”

“This was a terrific date,” I grimaced, trying to hold back my tears because I can’t be the only one who cares about his future anymore. I hopped off the tailgate and threw the rest of my dinner in the garbage, sitting back in the passenger seat, slamming the door as though he didn’t already take the hardtop off and it’s the soft top he only uses in the rain and when it’s a little too cold, like tonight.

“Clarke,” Bellamy called and I could hear the frustration in his tone. How could he be frustrated when he’s the one that made this horrible decision? “Come back. I’m sorry, baby. I don’t want to fight with you. I feel like we’re beating a dead horse at this point with this argument.”

“You’re asking me not to care about you. Telling me that you don’t want to go to college is telling me that you want me to give up on you,” I shook my head. How could he not see how much I believed in him? “I can’t do that because I love you. I don’t think I will ever be able to love anyone else like I love you and maybe that’s messed up. Maybe this is as good as we’re going to get, but if I give up on you,” my voice broke and I couldn’t hold back my heartbreak any longer. It’s been killing me for months. “It’s like I’m giving up on us and I don’t want to do that. Not now and not in August, not ever,” it came out a whisper and I didn’t care if he heard me or not because if I really thought about it, it wasn’t for him to hear. Not exactly. It was for me, I needed to say it. For me to know how big of a hold Bellamy Blake had on me and that I maybe shouldn’t have gotten into any relationship my senior year of high school.

Feeling the Jeep jostle, I refused to look back to find him, to see what he was doing. I couldn’t lose myself or my ambitions in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves, but I also couldn’t lose Bellamy either. My door opened and Bellamy was standing there, that pleading look in his eyes he never had except when she was torturing him with feather-light kisses.

“I’m not giving up on us either. Not now, or August, okay? Loving you is the easiest part of my life, please don’t push me away. Please don’t end this because we’re going in different directions.”

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t promise that to him because I didn’t know how difficult long distance would be so I didn’t know what our future would hold, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him against me. Thinking of losing him in four months hurt more than him not going to college.

I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, smelling the pine and musk that was all Bellamy and his soap. I felt so at home that I couldn’t help but kiss his Adam's apple.

“I will always love you, Clarke. Always,” he sighed as though he knew it was over. That we were doomed to end, doomed to break up and neither of us could do anything about it.

I pulled back and looked up at him. “Love me. Give me something to remember.”

Bellamy sighed, looking at me, eyes searching for something, I didn’t know what but he must have found it because he leaned down, pressing a gentle, needy kiss to my lips. “When’s your mom getting home?” he asked, forehead pressed to mine.

“Uh, tomorrow, around one.”

“I’m not going to have sex with you in my Jeep tonight. Not when I can open you up on your bed.”

I smiled softly, “You have a kink for my bed, Blake?”

“I have a kink for you spread out for me like a gorgeous meal waiting for me to devour.”

“As long as I’m your favorite meal,” I smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk What that was. Do you?


	5. Sunday Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STORY TIME! (You want to stick around, it’s funny): who remembers way back in June when I was really excited about having a boyfriend who loved the 100? Anybody? No... okay, anyway, that ended because he wanted to get married and have a child by July 2019 and I... didn’t. Not the point, we talked about it and it was mutually agreed that things would end but we’re both awesome people and are still friends.  
> So, because we’re friends now, we were at the same party the other night and somehow it was us and a bunch of couples after 10:30 so the couples were being cute and gross so he and I were talking and I was drunk so I said “tell me something no one else knows” and he looked at me and I think he blushed, that part’s a little hazy but the second he said this next part, I was completely sober. “So you know how we’re both fans of The 100?”  
> Uh, yeah, man, that’s how we became friends. Tell me more. “Well, I found this site years ago when I was really into Lord of the Rings and so I started reading fan fiction and when the 100 is on hiatus I do that too.”  
> My eyes widened as I sobered up and took a sip of my vodka cranberry before nodding like I kind of know what he’s talking about even though I WRITE IT. So he starts telling me about this story about Bellamy and Clarke and they’re both in high school because he went to juvie and... yeah, he reads this story. Hey man! You found me and my not so dirty, yet very dirty secret. ;)

Moaning in response to a light touch stroking my back, I slowly wake up. Realizing it was Bellamy’s fingers stroking my back, I sighed. Last night wasn’t what either of us wanted and the weeks to come with college acceptance letters coming in the mail, it was bound to be an endless string of arguments, him blaming me when I had nothing to do with Aurora and Octavia’s plan.

One moment, I sighed, giving in to his touch.

“Have you ever fucked someone like this before?” I asked him roughly, my voice riddled with sleep, wanting more.

“With you lying on your stomach and your legs together? No, I’ve heard good things about it, though the depth isn’t fully there.”

“That’s your favorite part,” I noted, looking over my shoulder at him, finding him looking down at me wantonly and it sent a shiver down my spine.

“You want to try it this way?” He asked, his lips suddenly at my ear and I smiled before nodding. “Okay, my Princess, you get what you want.” He pressed a kiss on my cheek, nipping on my earlobe before I felt him at my entrance.

“Bell,” I begged, lifting my ass up to get him to just go for it. There’s an ache between my thighs and in my chest when he’s not around and I don’t think it will ever stop. I’ll go to college and ache for Bellamy, I won’t see him for years and years, be married to someone I don’t know yet and still need Bellamy and his touch, his cock.

With lifting my ass up to him, he slid in easily, my cunt already soaked. Bellamy mumbled something incoherent and I sighed, relaxing back into the mattress as he thrusted in and out of me. I was nearly there. Between the memory of last night and my dream of him fucking me soft and slow, I could come at any moment, hanging over the edge.

“You want to come baby?” he whispered against the shell of my ear and I shuttered through a nod and felt his chuckle against my back more than I heard it, a ringing in my ears taking over with my insatiable need to come on his cock.

“You can come, baby. Come on my cock, I want to feel you come around me.”

I shuttered around his words in my ear as I felt the coil tighten low in my belly, twisting and tightening, close to its breaking point.

“I love you,” he whispered and the coil snapped, releasing the wave of my orgasm and I rode it out biting my pillow as Bellamy groaned in my ear before latching his mouth on the back of my neck.

“I love you,” I said back to him. Not because I had to, we’re not like that, but because it’s the truth. I love Bellamy and maybe just saying it could be enough, maybe having it be real would be enough for him to feel worthy of it. Of me and my love for him instead of whatever he’s thinking he doesn’t deserve in his head.  
He bit down a little harder as he drove rougher into me and maybe that’s it, maybe my love for him is too much and he can’t control his lust and desire when he hears me proclaim it.

What makes a man undeserving of a woman’s love? Of her touch and affection? What makes a man see no future for himself and yet promotes everyone he’s ever cared about? How can he be so self sacrificing and not see anyone’s devotion to him?

Trying to push those thoughts out of my head I groaned at the viciousness of his bite and asked to look at him. Pulling off me, Bellamy huffed in a deep breath as I turned over, my thighs still between his legs making it a difficult move as he just watched me squirm and struggle under him.

“You’re gorgeous, babe,” he said, sounding a little awestruck before he leaned down and kissed me, getting one knee between my thighs and gripped my waist, grinding my core against his thigh, bringing me to the edge and finally over with the arch of my back.

Blissed out of my mind he slid between my legs and fucked into me soft and slow until I came back down, eyes unglazed and looked up at him with that too content smile, watching me come undone. The man has a kink, a glorious, selfless kink, but so do I, he likes seeing me come and I like seeing him come undone.

I match his strokes with equal fervor and bring him to the edge, pulling away at his first pulsation inside me and he grimaced.

“Get on your back,” I told him and he smirked, he loves watching my tits bounce when I ride his cock.

Not exactly what I had in mind though. Bellamy rolled off me and I quickly followed him, teasing his cock with my soaked cunt as I kissed him slowly.

“Baby,” he sighed against my lips and I knew he was aching for me to settle on him and let him cum inside me.

I kissed his chin, moving his hands from my hips and holding them in mine, not letting him control me. He’s going to like this and I don’t want him to stop me. I kiss down his neck, over his collarbone and chest to his abs that convulse when I blow on his hot, sweaty skin.

“Baby, please,” he growled, trying to free his hands.

“Patience, Bell,” I kissed his pelvis and the trimmed hair above his throbbing cock.

My nipples graze the juncture of his thighs and hips and I watched his eyes widen with realization as a bolt of lightning struck through my body, having my cunt clamp down on nothing and I whined from the emptiness.

“Are you going to be good? Will you let me fuck your cock with my tits without taking control?”

He nodded and I quirked my brow at him. “Yes. God yes, Princess. Please.”

I kissed his stomach again as I released his hands and brought them to his slicked up cock. “You got me all over you. You think it’s slick enough?”  
“Fuck, I’d go dry, I just need you on me.”

I bit back a laugh and looked down at his nearly twitching cock. Collecting saliva in my mouth, I palmed my tits, bringing them around Bellamy’s shaft and gave him a stroke as I watched relief take over his entire being.

Maneuvering my entire body to stroke him wasn’t what I thought about when I thought it would be a good idea. My sex throbbed for him, ached, as I stroked his cock with my tits and watched him watch me. I let the saliva slip from my mouth, over my lips and watched Bellamy groan as his head fall back on the pillow as he was lubed up more.

Waiting for that perfect moment to suck the tip into my mouth, I watched him in pure bliss, his Adam’s apple bobbing like crazy as he slurred out profane praises. The quick flick of my tongue elicited the smallest moan from his throat.

His eyes opened a fraction and I smirked up at him before they shuttered closed and I took the tip fully in my mouth with the next stroke, my tongue circling over the tender skin.

“Fuck, baby. You’re so damn good for me. You’re so good to me. How do you do it?”

I shrugged, “I know how to read your body.”

Wrapping my lips back around his tip, he came with a jolt. His come shooting over my tongue in spurts as I swallowed every drop.

Bellamy pulled me up against his chest and we fell back asleep curled into each other

* * *

Waking up on my stomach, I groaned before remembering why I was lying on my stomach. I was completely naked and I could never sleep with my nipples uncovered. Bellamy had to have stolen the sheets again. I turned my head and smirked through my knotted curls at the sight of Bellamy, still asleep, on his side with the sheets wrapped around him like a cocoon.

I reached over the side of my bed and grabbed the fabric that was there, and pulled his shirt on over my head before going to the bathroom.

Walking back to my room a minute later I heard a clinking sound from downstairs and my eyes widened. Bellamy was asleep on my bed in front of me but there’s someone downstairs making noise. Shit.

I rushed to my window and looked down at the driveway, finding my mom’s car parked in the driveway. Right next to Bellamy’s Jeep.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Glancing at the clock as I grabbed a pair of underwear and pajama shorts, I ran down the stairs and panicked at the sight of my mother eating oatmeal at the island.

“Glad to know you didn’t have a party this weekend,” she said sternly and I wanted to sigh but Bellamy’s Jeep was still in the driveway and my bedroom door was open. She knows.

“Friday night,” I joked and she grimaced.

“Bellamy Blake?”

“You said you liked him.”

“I liked his as much as a mother could like a criminal that’s always hanging around her daughter.”

“He’s not a criminal, Mom. I love him.”

“Your father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare tell me what Dad would and wouldn’t approve of. You’re never around and Dad would be here! He would have gotten to know Bellamy before passing judgment on him. Yes, he went to juvie, but he did that to protect his sister who was only eleven. He’s not a criminal and neither is she. Why are you even home?”

“You can’t be mad at me for coming home early when you’re sleeping with a nineteen year old under my roof and behind my back.”

“Please, Mom, if you only got to know him—“

“Where did he apply to college?”

I sighed, I can’t answer that, not if he’s awake and listening in, not if she wants to stay out of the Blake family drama. “He—he’s not. Not yet, he wants to save up money first. Take a year off and go next fall.”

“You know that means he won’t go. He’ll push it off and push it off and he’ll be stuck in this town for the rest of his life. It’s what happens to people like him.”

“You know nothing about him or his integrity or worth. He is the best man that I know and nothing you say will change that.”

“Even if I call the cops and have him arrested for statutory rape?”

I shook my head. I knew better than to tell her she wouldn’t do it because then she would go out of her way to do exactly that. She calls bluffs like it’s a game. “I love him,” I say softly, as though it’d make everything better. As though fairytales exist and telling the wicked witch would end all the suffering in my story, that loving Bellamy heals everything.

“You’re a fool. I’m going to my office for an hour, if he’s not gone by the time I get back, I am calling the cops.” My mother walked out of the house and I heard her car start a moment later.  
I grimaced as my shoulders fell. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to mercy from her.

This was the end.

My relationship with Bellamy was over after ninety seconds of my mother coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Let’s hope 2019 brings us Bellarke!!


	6. Saturday Afternoon... 4 Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realized that I tend to make these stories that were intended to be only 4 or 5 parts WAY longer than the intended length. Not Safe For Work was supposed to be 6 parts but it took a turn and became a 23 chapter monstrosity. I’m hoping this won’t be like that but who knows.  
> Here’s Part 6...

There was a part of me that didn’t want to go today. A part of me that said I’d already walked at graduation, that there was no point in doing it again when there’s no one here for me. Octavia’s internship started last week, Raven didn’t walk because her leg was still killing her and Lexa booked a flight to Bødø the moment she found out when her last final was scheduled. I was alone and there was no reason for me to go to my college graduation.

But of course, I woke up at eight that morning and sighed, knowing that I should probably start packing my apartment but it was way too hot and I didn’t want to sit inside all day so I decided to go to my graduation.

The ceremony wasn’t that much different than it was at my high school, with the addition of having Roan Azgeda, real estate mogul and alumnus, have this big compelling bullshit speech that took far longer than it should have and finally. Finally, we were walking and grabbing our diplomas and throwing our hats in the air in celebration.

I smiled at my fellow graduates as I fought through the crowd to get to my car and go back to my apartment when I heard a low, gravely “Princess!” called out behind me that stopped me in my tracks.

Four years, I grimaced. I haven’t seen him in four years and now he’s here. He’s at my graduation and I almost didn’t go. I shouldn’t have gone.

I couldn’t move, his baritone voice reverberated through my body and suddenly my not having a plan after graduating worry fell away, not talking to my mother in three years fell away, Lexa and her all-encompassing drama fell away, and all there was in the world was Bellamy Blake.

Bellamy, the frustrating, incredible man. Bellamy, the one who always believed in his friends and never himself. Bellamy, the man who broke my heart too many times in a single year.

A hand landed on my shoulder and I jumped. I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to, the fear of having my heart broken by this man again was too much for me to bear. How did he even know about today? How did he know I’d show?

I saw him move around me, my eyes locked firmly on the ground and warn out combat boots stopped in front of me and I couldn’t hold back the tears. What those dirty boots meant… it broke her heart all over again.

“Why are you here?” I managed to choke out.

“Because the girl I love just graduated and I needed to see her.”

The anger built up like bile I my throat. “It’s been four years, you didn’t need to see me in the last four years?”

“I wasn’t exactly around. After my mom got better… I know you all wanted me to go to college, I didn’t want to wait until January and I met a marine and he recruited me. I’m sorry I was such a coward back then, Clarke. That I didn’t stand up for us and fight. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, let you go, become bigger and better than anything you would have if you’d stayed with me, but I was wrong. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I shouldn’t have thrown it in your face.”

“But you did and I came here and you joined the Marines. Which only brings me back to wonder what the hell you are doing here?”

“Octavia told me you haven’t been with anyone since February. I was hoping I could take you out. I haven’t gotten you out of my head.”

* * *

_Sunday Morning Four Years Ago:_

_“What the hell are you talking about? Your mother is right! I’m no good for you!” Bellamy yelled grabbing his jeans off the floor of her room and shoving them on. “I’m going to stay here and never leave but you… Clarke, you have so much potential. You’re inherently good and no matter what you do it will be better than anything you could do here. I’m holding you back.”_

_I shoved his chest, making him sit on the bed where he couldn’t put any more damn clothes on and I straddled his thighs. “I love you. I thought that meant something to you.”_

_I watched him, his face was an open book and one of my favorite qualities about him until it settled on being cold and distant and his eyes felt like ice daggers. “I was using you. Your virginal pussy was so tight, it was nearly heaven. Telling you what you wanted to hear was just so I could continue fucking you until you left for college. You were so easy and willing to believe that I would love you, I was considering letting this continue when you came home on break but I don’t want to go to jail for rape. You’re good but you’re not that good. Now get the hell off my lap so I can fucking leave.”_

_His hands pushed me off him by my arms and I staggered to my feet as I wiped the tears from my face. I’m not going to let him see me cry. Not after that disgusting monologue._

* * *

“What happened to you just using me? Just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me around? That I was easy and not good enough to go to jail for?”

Bellamy took half a step back, as though the words hurt him. “It was all a lie, but I needed you to hate me. I needed you to go have a life and forget about me so I knew you would be better than the people in our backwoods little town. I didn’t think I was going to get out, but I did and now that I have time, I came to find you.”

“I don’t think you realized what you did to me that day. Everything you said stuck with me and I never felt like I was enough. It took three years for me to start seeing someone and I didn’t even know it was a date until she kissed me. I had a complex over every little thing because ‘I wasn’t good enough.’”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I wish I could take it all back, I really do, but I can’t and I’ve hated myself for it. I thought it would be easier if you hated me. We would stay away from each other.”

“I can’t forgive you, Bellamy. Not right now. This isn’t something you can just apologize about and think everything can go back to how it was. You broke my heart so many times that weekend alone, don’t even get me started on the rest of the time we were together. If you want me to forgive you, you’re going to have to earn it.”

“Okay, I’m here.”

“What about the Marines?”

“I didn’t sign up for any more time. I have a month to change my mind, otherwise, I’m out. I want out, Clarke. I want you,” he admitted and I looked into his eyes, finding the heartfelt seriousness in his statement.

“Okay, I’m moving in a week. Are you saying you’re going to follow me there?”

“Unless you put a restraining order out against me, yes. I’m serious, I want you to trust me again.”

“That’s going to be more difficult than dinner.”

“I know. I’m willing to put in the work. I want this.”

Regardless of the past, Clarke believed him. Whatever his reasonings were for coming back, selfish or self-destructive, it wasn’t up to her to decide. If he wants her to trust him again, he’s going to have to try hard and prove that being with her is everything he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, kudos, complaints... it’d be momentarily aesthetically pleasing if kudos was somehow spelled with a C...


	7. Friday Night... One Week Later (Saturday Morning)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On occasion, while writing, I have to remember certain aspects of my stories in previous chapters. Ten minutes ago, I decided to reread this whole thing from the beginning and I can’t stop laughing at the fact that this whole story starts off with the statement, “I am a whore for Bellamy Blake.” I’m still laughing.
> 
> Kink shame me over a dream I had of being a whore for Bellamy Blake. That’s where this was all derived from, I have no shame.

 “Is this where you want it hung?” Bellamy called from the living room as I was grabbing us beers to go with the pizza that was just delivered.

I walked into the living room with one hand full of napkins and two open beers in the other, finding Bellamy in an Under Armour sleeveless tank that showed off too many muscles in his arms and shoulders as he held up one of my pieces of artwork that Professor Wallace called “dull and monochromatic with too much negative space,” even though it was one of my best and favorite pieces I‘ve made. That thought got my mind off of Bellamy’s arms and what they could do to me, just enough to verify that was where I wanted the painting hung before guzzling down half my beer and sat down on the couch. I grabbed a slice of pizza, not waiting for Bellamy to join me while keeping my eyes on the hard wood floor. He needs to earn my trust, I can’t trust him if I jump his bones the first moment I can.

“Couldn’t even wait for me,” he joked, sitting next to me with his beer in hand.

“Hungry and thirsty,” I told him. “I told you the pizza was here and you still went for the painting.”

Bellamy grabbed a slice of the pepperoni pizza and took a large bite and spoke with his mouth full. “I wanted to get it done.”

Completely logical, I rolled my eyes and turned on the TV that I hooked up yesterday. I still didn’t know why I trusted Bellamy or if I should trust him at all. He’s working on gaining my trust again and doing a good job but how could I trust him with my heart after everything he’s done to me?

* * *

 

I moaned, rolling onto my back, wondering where the hell I was before realizing I fell asleep on the couch. Stretching my legs before throwing them over the side to get up, I heard a pan on my new stove clink and froze momentarily before remembering Bellamy.

“Morning, Princess,” he said and I knew he was trying to be reminiscent but it came up short, we’re not there yet.

I stood and rolled out my shoulders before turning to find him at the stove attending to whatever he was cooking. It smelled weird.

“What are you making?”

“Omelets. I have yours on standby because I didn’t know when you’d wake up.”

“And what are you eating?”

“Green olives and soy sauce omelet. Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was nasty too until I had it.”

I nodded and walked into the kitchen. I wasn’t completely sure what I was going for when I looked back at him after pouring a cup of my favorite Ethiopian coffee.

“Clarke, I…” Bellamy sighed. “I don’t know what you want me to do to fix us.”

“I know. I know you only said it because you knew it would hurt me but those words have haunted me since you said them. You’ve been really helpful this week with the move. I want to forget it happened but it’s easier said than done.”

I sipped my coffee as Bellamy took the few steps toward me. He made to reach for my hand but his fingers slid across my wrist and my eyes locked with his as a shiver shook down my back. My eyes darted from his down to our hands and back up to his eyes, their depth causing my guilt to come out along with lust. There was something about Bellamy Blake that I couldn’t shake, something that made him everything to me and it ruined me once… twice. Could I go through it all again?

“Clarke…” his voice was molten chocolate, melting me.

I placed my mug on the counter behind me and gingerly touched his shoulder. I knew better than to let him in like this so soon, but I was intoxicated and addicted to every aspect of him. Bellamy was my drug and I needed him more than ever after being sober for four excruciating years.

When our lips collided it was like an avalanche, no, a volcano that’s erupting, instead of it being the cold shower of reality, it was the heat of bliss. Bellamy lifted me onto the counter and held my body flush against him as our tongues danced.

I needed him, the words may have verbally been declared as his shirt was stripped off him. His lips latched onto my neck and I moaned and groaned when his teeth caught a tendon.

“Please,” I begged when his lips went lower but Bellamy pulled away.

“We shouldn’t.”

“I know, but I need you.

He licked his lips and ran his hand over his face before combing his hair back. “Condom?”

I grimaced, we never worried about it before, that was one of our problems… “I’m clean and on the pill.”

“I’m clean too.”

I nodded, I’ve had this conversation before and it was never this awkward. Maybe I should tell him instead… no, that could ruin everything and what would he think of me? He wouldn’t like what I tell him, I already knew that.

Shaking myself out of that train of thought, I kissed him again. A distraction as well as a great stress relief, I needed both with this secret.

I pulled my shirt over my head and brought his lips back to mine. He looked at me after a moment and I knew he saw something I was trying to hide, I’m transparent to him. A blessing and a curse.

“Are you okay? We don’t—“

“I want to.”

Bellamy smiled into our kiss before lifting me by my ass and carried me to my bedroom.

Crashing onto my bed, Bellamy sighed into my neck, sending a shiver down my spine as he kissed my neck and started heading south. His fingers gripped the waistband of my paint speckled sweat pants and I startled awake, gripping onto the fabric behind me. Arms wrapped around me tightly as a hush blew against my ear.

“I got you, you’re okay,” I heard Bellamy whisper behind me and my heart felt conflicted, was I soothed by his presence after that dream or set on edge from all the pain he’s caused all those years ago? My breathing slowed, but my heart didn’t and I looked over my shoulder at Bellamy, concern all over his face.

“Sorry. We fell asleep?”

“Yeah. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just a dream.”

“You jumped, I thought… I don’t know what I thought.”

I saw the fear and worry for me in his eyes and it brought me back to Monty’s halloween party all those years ago and how he cared for me even though we were fighting and I never wanted to see him again.

“If you could do anything right now what would you do?” I asked him, just like I did back then in trunk of his Jeep.

“That’s an unfair question,” he answered just like he did that time too and the déjà vu ended there because I leaned over and kissed him back then.

“Then show me.”

“Clarke…”

Did he remember that from all those years ago? It was our first kiss that didn’t lead to us having sex. It was our first real kiss. I wanted to say that not much had changed since then, but it had, he’s harder, stronger, broader than he was back then. He could grow a beard and knew how to wear his hair in a way that suited his freckled face.

If he didn’t remember that, did he remember how him saying my name like that affected me?

He adjusted himself on the couch behind me, looking down at me and I just looked up at him. I was expectant but I didn’t particularly care about what he actually wanted to do, just wanted to see if he had the gaul to try.

In one quick motion he cupped my cheek and kissed me. His lips rough and demanding against mine and I craved to give into him, yearned for him and his touch everywhere but I couldn’t give in. This couldn’t be the same as it was back then. I couldn’t lose myield within Bellamy’s whims and sadistic needs that ruined me for everyone else.

“I want to fuck you into the cushions,” he breathed against my jaw and it snapped me out of it.

“No.”

Bellamy pulled back and that was one of the best things about Bellamy. He listened to the word no and respected women when they used it. “I’m sorry.”

“Bellamy, please,” I sighed, choking on the words as tears pricked my eyes. “Don’t.”

He grimaced, I knew it didn’t make sense. I knew that my thoughts and feelings on the matter made absolutely no sense but seeing Bellamy being so utterly Bellamy was wonderfully heartbreaking and I could barely hold myself back from crashing my lips back against his.

“It took eighteen months to get used to not being asphyxiated. It took me two years to get off from sex after you. It took three for me to get used to being touched softly and not thrown about like a rag doll. I loved you with every cell in my body and I love you now, I can’t deny that, but I can’t give myself to someone like that again. It will ruin me this time.”

“I’m not that angry kid anymore.”

I reached up and touched his cheek, her thumb tracing over his lips. “Maybe not.” My nail caught on the scar on his upper lip and his lips parted under my touch. “Maybe you have coping mechanisms to deal with it all, but Bellamy, how can I trust that down the road I won’t be your rag doll again? That asphyxiating won’t kill me because you got your times wrong?” Bellamy’s tongue swiped my thumb, sending a shiver down my spine, a jolt of electricity straight down to my soaked cunt. I pulled my hand away, I couldn’t do this, not now. “That you won’t irrevocably hurt me because you couldn’t manage the rage erupting inside you. We were kids, Bellamy, we didn’t know better back then but we do now. How can I trust that we won’t go back to how it was before?”

“Because if I hurt you again… if I touch you in a way you’re not happy about, I’ll leave and never come back.”

“Where would you go?”

“Philippines.”

“What? No! Bellamy…”

“Maaari kong magsalita ng wika.”

I grimaced. He’s being dramatic and I couldn’t do anything about it because he’s stubborn. He’s made up his mind and probably has a bank account waiting for the day he hurts me and has to leave. He can speak Tagalog and it’s sexy as hell, but that doesn’t mean he should move to Manila and become a tour guide for English and Spanish speaking tourists. He’s really good at learning languages, he’s probably learning another she doesn’t know about.

“Please don’t. I don’t think I could lose you again either.”

He dropped his head to my shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to my skin. “I don’t want to, Clarke. I love you, but I can’t keep causing you pain.”

“Then don’t. Bellamy, you brought more joy than pain into my life. Yes, the pain was residual and it outshined the joy, but I know the truth. I know you love me, I know you hurt me to protect me, and I know you will go to the Philippines if you do it again because you’re a stubborn bastard. I’m just asking you for time. Please be patient with me until I’m ready because I thought I’d never see you again. I never dealt with everything because I didn’t think I had to.”

Bellamy nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry for pushing you.”

“You didn’t push me,” I said and sat up, throwing my feet on the floor. I looked back at him. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t trust myself around you yet.”

“I don’t like that. You should be able to trust yourself because I’m the one that fucked up. I’m the asshole and you did nothing wrong. You shouldn’t trust me and I don’t trust me. You should trust yourself.”

I sighed because I knew what he was getting at and it wasn’t like I didn’t trust myself because I did, it was just when he’s around. When he’s around, I wanted to jump his bones but I knew I shouldn’t. We lost years and it was on both of us and the pain he and his words caused me and my self worth, relearning what I deserved and how I should be treated was a big thing, something I shouldn’t have changed for him, but I was a kid back then and didn’t know any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s late and I’ve been working so much lately so I’ll be posting less often. I will be going back and editing for continuity purposes (POV inconsistencies mostly)
> 
> Drop a comment about literally anything, complain about not having a trailer for S6 yet. Kudos if you haven’t already 😘♥️


	8. Tuesday Afternoon… a Few Months Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STUFF. HAPPENS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a question at the end that I would really appreciate everyone answering.
> 
> The first part reminds me of 3x05 “Hakeldama”

I walked into the library on my lunch break and found Bellamy in the middle of an aisle putting some books back.

“Hey,” I smiled, leaning against a shelf. “You get a lunch?”

“Hey,” Bellamy smiled. “Yeah, um. Give me five and I can meet you at the diner.”

“I brought some,” I told him lifting up the bag in my hand.

“Okay, I’ll be up front in a minute.”

I sighed and went back to the front of the library, the guilt had been eating away at me since he showed up at graduation and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell him.

A minute later Bellamy brought his return cart back to the front and took my hand and lead me to his office behind the courtesy desk, “What’s going on?”

“Just wanted to visit you.”

“Who are you and what have you done to Clarke?” he quipped closing the door to the office he shared with someone Clarke hadn’t met yet.

“I just had an hour and wanted to see you.”

“You asked for space. Coming to my job isn’t space.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, fine, you know me so well, congratu-fucking-lations.”

“Woah, hon. I do know you, I just want to know what’s going on, okay? Just talk to me.”

“You’re going to be so mad at me,” I told him, hating that my voice broke.

Bellamy grimaced and took a deep, soothing breath. “Okay, let’s sit and you can tell me.”

I nodded and sighed taking a seat in one of the chairs, not knowing who’s desk I was at. “How’s your week going?”

“Well, it’s Tuesday and you saw me on Sunday, so the last forty hours have been great. Now tell me what this is about because I know you and I love you, so if what you say is true and I’m going to be angry with you. I need you to just tell me.”

“You don’t want to eat?”

“Clarke.”

“I was pregnant.”

His face was unreadable. “What does that mean?”

“It means that summer I was pregnant and didn’t know and I thought my period came but it wasn’t normal so I went to the doctor and found out I miscarried. I just… I thought you should know.”

“And you waited until now? What the hell, Clarke?”

“I was avoiding you back then because you shattered my heart and then when you showed up, I didn’t even think about it because it wasn’t a big deal for me anymore but the guilt of you not knowing has been eating away at me.”

“So then why didn’t you tell me when you remembered it was something I would want to know?”

“I thought you might leave again.”

“So you care about that?” he practically growled.

“Of course, I care! I love you.”

“Maybe you should lead with the good news next time. Soften the blow.”

“You know I love you. You wouldn’t be in my life if I didn’t.”

“Or I’m here because you want to feel that guilt. I’m a reminder of the child you lost. The child you didn’t tell me about.”

“Be angry at me all you want, I understand that, but don’t you dare tell me how I feel.”

“How am I supposed to believe that you love me? You push me away every time I try to get close to you.”

“I’m scared of getting hurt! I have the right to be after everything!”

“You consented to every damn thing. Don’t you dare blame me for that.”

“I’m not. I’m scared that’s going to happen again. I can’t do that again, Bellamy.”

“Okay. I told you that I wouldn’t do that again, that I’m not that guy anymore but you’re still scared. You’re not even trying.”

“I am. I’m trying, Bellamy. It may not be the way that you want me to try, but it’s how I can. You left for six years and you wanted me to forgive you the moment you showed up but I can’t. I couldn’t. I want to be with you, but being with you doesn’t mean regretting sex the moment it’s over.”

“You won’t let me try.”

“Fine. What do you want?”

“I want a date. Tonight.”

“I have plans.”

“Then cancel them.”

“I can’t, she’s only here one night.”

“She?” Bellamy day back in disbelief, like everything in his life ended because of it. “Lexa?”

“No. Octavia,” I said quietly, knowing he wouldn’t be happy about his sister coming to town and not making plans to see him.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right? You’re ditching me for my sister?”

“I’m not ditching you. Can’t we just do it tomorrow?”

“Does she know that you were pregnant?”

“Of course she does, but I told her that…”

“The guys on your Instagram?”

“Yeah. One of them.”

Bellamy scoffed. “You told my sister that you were pregnant with some random guy’s baby? She didn’t even guess that it was mine?”

“I didn’t want you to know, you were getting into a better place and I didn’t want anything to change that.”

“You kept tabs on me?”

“You didn’t make it too difficult, besides I’m your sister’s friend, she should be allowed to talk about anything with me.”

“Whatever, Clarke. Do whatever the hell you want, because you seem to do that anyway.”

He stood and stormed out. Clarke sat in the office for a minute before grabbing the sandwich that was meant for Bellamy and dropped it on the desk that looked like it suited him better.

* * *

“Thanks for meeting me earlier than planned. Something’s come up later and I’ve really missed you.”

“Yeah, I miss you too. How’s the new job going?” Octavia asked before taking a sip of her chai tea.

“Good. Yeah, it’s good. Nothing major is going on with me. But I read something about you and Lincoln being engaged and pregnant?”

“Engaged, not pregnant. We always planned to get engaged after I graduated and we did. I’m happy.” She smiled and Clarke smiled for her.

“I’m so happy for you! That’s amazing!”

“I’m not saying that pregnancy wouldn’t have been welcomed.”

I smiled. “I know that. Thank you. I feel like I should be honest about that after all these years. The baby was Bellamy’s, I just didn’t want to deal with the drama of what that meant at the time and it’s been so long since then that I thought you should know the truth.”

“I’ve always known, Clarke. Those guys on your Insta back then were just some guys in Malibu. I knew that because I knew you and you weren’t over Bellamy. I know you and I know you’re only coming clean because something happened. So tell me, what’s up?”

“When was the last time you spoke to Bellamy?”

“He’s in Turkey,” Octavia grimaced.

Clarke shook her head. “He’s been here. Since May.”

“What? No, I talked to him last week and said he’s still on tour, that he might get transferred to Germany.”

“If that’s true, I’ve been arguing with his clone for months. I told him that I was pregnant with his baby back then and he freaked. I mean it was mostly my fault and—“

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend on getting pregnant and miscarrying, that’s not on you and if he’s saying it is—“

“He’s not, Octavia. He’s mad that I didn’t tell him at all.”

“It’s understandable. I mean, I know where you’re coming from, but I see his side too. He had something to mourn and now he feels like he has no right because it’s been so long. You know he would have loved that child more than anything and even though it wasn’t you that took it away from him, he still blames you. And himself to some extent, I’m sure he’s thinking about how you two could have broken up more amicably so you wouldn’t have gone to Malibu in the first place and you would have found out with him around. You know him just as well as I do so you know I’m right.”

I bit back the tears that were pooling in my eyes when I looked back up at my best friend. “I hate this. I wish everything was different, that I didn’t go to Malibu and that I was here instead. I wish loving him doesn’t scare me more than it excites me.”

“Clarke,” Octavia sighed, reaching across the small table, taking my hand. “I’m furious that you didn’t tell me that my brother is back stateside, with that being said, I know how two are together. I know how you are about your feelings and I think you should take a step back and let yourself get used to the idea of Bellamy being in your life again.”

“I have and he doesn’t like it. I saw him Sunday and today at lunch and it’s been bimonthly since he helped me move. That’s not a lot, just enough to know that neither of us are really walking away from each other and not enough to actually get to know each other again.”

“So try that if what you’re doing isn’t working.”

Clarke nodded and sighed. “Okay, thank you. I’m sorry I’m making this all about me and my old now new drama.”

“We can go back to talking about my engagement to Lincoln.”

“And that you should go see your brother.”

Octavia sighed, Clarke didn’t know what was going on between them and she didn’t want to but she’s concerned that it’s bigger than the both of them are leading on if that was how they’re acting around the subject.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s short and relatively uneventful but I had that storylyplanned for a while and I feel like every fic is writing for Bellarke ATM Clarke’s pregnant. IDK what I’m writing anymore. I’m not pregnant so why am I writing about it’s much?
> 
> QUESTION: Would you like to see a chapter from Bellamy’s POV?


	9. Bellamy... Tuesday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Posting at a decent time of day? Did the world end? Did Hell freeze over? Nope, I just had the day off.  
> I didn't know Bellamy's perspective and so this took a little while.

The doorbell rang and Bellamy went to open the door. He didn’t want to argue with Clarke anymore, he wanted to have a nice evening with her to talk. When he opened the door and found green eyes instead of her blue, he knew his night was going to be something else. “Hey, big brother.”

“Octavia,” he stated as she pushed past him and collapsed into his chair. “What are you doing here?”

“I told Clarke that I should see you, and not her. What the hell are _you_ doing stateside?”

”I’m out. And I wanted to be with Clarke so I went to her graduation and helped her move and promised her I’d be better.”

“Yeah, she says you’ve been trying. She’s scared that you’ll fall back into the pattern.”

“I told her I’m not that angry teenager anymore.”

“She knows. I promise you, but you exploding about the baby didn’t show her that you’ve grown.”

“Have I? I’ve seen so much torture and pain, how does that mean I’ve grown or that I won’t turn into that asshole again?”

“You seem the same to me.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I’m just saying that I don’t understand why you’d want to change. You’re the same person.”

“It’s different with her, O. Something you don’t want to hear about.”

“Oh, ew!” The realization on Octavia’s face was priceless and Bellamy had to laugh a little bit.

“I told you that you didn’t want to know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I came back, I just wanted my shit together before I told you.”

“And getting back together with Clarke is having your shit together?”

“Kind of. It’s no secret that I love her, I just hate all the decisions she’s made on our behalf because she’s scared. I understand her hesitation because of the past but add the miscarriage in and I don’t understand a damn thing. That’s the frustrating part of this.”

“Brother, I love you, but you will never know what a miscarriage feels like and I hope that I never do. Seeing Clarke that summer between Malibu and college was like looking into a void. She was a shell of the person we know and it scared me. Instagram made her look happy and maybe it was her way of trying to be happy and we have to give her that because she did _look_ happy. You left her, you broke her and it took everything she had to keep herself together. Don’t take it out on her for doing the best she could, for doing what she could deal with. She told you now because she could deal with the fall out _now_ and you should be happy that you know at all. It’s not like she had to tell you, it wasn’t abortion or giving the child away for adoption. It was a miscarriage, something she had no control over.”

“You wouldn’t tell Lincoln?”

“That’s different, we’re together.”

“We were together and the child was mine, I should have been informed sooner.”

“No. Bellamy, you’re not entitled to know anything about Clarke after the way you broke her heart. Frankly, you’re lucky you’re in her life now.”

“Seriously, Octavia?”

“Yes, seriously. You irrevocably broke her back then. She’s been working to put your mess back together ever since. Either help her or leave her alone.”

“I need her, O.”

“Yeah, she humanizes you. Do I even want to know what you did in the military? You didn’t fight with her around, do I want to know what you did overseas in the name of our country? Do I want to know what you did without her love soothing you?”

Bellamy grimaced, he shouldn’t tell his sister this, but he needed to tell someone and Octavia knowing is far better than Clarke knowing with how their relationship currently is. “I was honorably discharged and it might have been different if I wasn’t so close to my superior officer. He told me to think of when I was my best self and that’s always been with Clarke. So I’m here, being better, with her. Or at least I’m trying to be.”

“I know that, and Clarke knows that too. She sees it. She’s just afraid of getting hurt again and that’s not fair to you, I told her as much. She’s working on herself just as much as she’s working on her feelings for you. She does need time and you asking for her to come around more often doesn’t help.”

There was a knock on the door and they both turned their heads and looked at the large piece of hardwood separating them from their intruder.

“You should get that and I should be going,” Octavia said, standing.

“Are you sure? It’s probably just a package.”

“It’s Clarke. I told her that you should have more time to process what we talked about but she said you two made plans. She’s behind the door.”

“I do need time. I forced her into a date tonight, that’s not fair to her, I want her to willingly go on a date with me.”

“The only date you went on was the one right before you broke up. The night I found out.”

“Yeah, it was an emotional night.”

“Do I want to know?”

Clarke knocked again.

“Maybe, just not now. Would you send her in?”

“Yeah,” Octavia smiled, leaning up and kissed his cheek before heading to the door. “I love you big brother. I’m happy you’re home.”

She pulled the door open and Bellamy dropped his head, his sister’s words swirling in his head as he tried making sense of it all before Clarke came in and he had to keep calm when all he wanted to do was scream.

“Hey,” her soft voice called a few moments later, her hand touching his shoulder gingerly.

“Hi,” he said and rolled his neck.

“I can go…”

“No. No, I want you here. I always want you here.”

“Bellamy…”

“I’m sorry for earlier. I am, I just… I wish it didn’t happen, I wish you had the baby and we were…”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“I can’t bear to hurt you again.”

“I know.”

Bellamy grimaced, “You’re infuriating.”

“I know,” her voice light and cheerful, causing him to turn around and look up at her. Her smiling face was a sight to behold and Bellamy wished he could see it more often than he has. “I’m sorry too. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you when I found out.”

“Actually, I don’t think that would have been good. I don’t think I would have reacted well, worse than I did today. I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you when you’ve been asking for space, it’s just that the years without you taught me a lot and I’ve been through a lot and… you calm me.”

“What?” she asked, her hand fell from his shoulder and she stepped around the couch and took his hand in hers.

“I know that sounds weird, but when I’m with you. When you touch me, everything in my head softens and I know that’s not fair to you—all the pressure—and I don’t want to do that to you. I just need us to communicate.”

Clarke nodded and Bellamy looked over at her. “I can do that.”

“Is there anything else I need to know?”

“Insert ill-timed joke about twins here.”

Bellamy laughed. “I needed that.”

“How about a drink? We can get to know each other better, people change and grow over time. There are things we don’t know about each other anymore and I think we should fix that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, dropping her head onto his shoulder. His mind settled and he calmed as she leaned back on the couch, pulling him back with her.

“What happened to that drink?” he asked after a few moments.

“We’ll get there. I just need a moment.”

Bellamy relaxed that night. He and Clarke were talking and communicating and they weren't where he wanted them to be but they'll get there... eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like the show... they didn't get a drink ;)  
> Unlike the show, they will.
> 
> Also, there's a tag--porn--yeah, that's coming back...


	10. Thursday Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, this is short and I don't care. It's been a while, I've been working a lot, and I needed to get back into this somehow, okay?

“What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you too, Reyes,” Clarke quipped and the Latina smirked. “I missed you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know, you haven’t texted me back in a month.”

“I’ve been going through some things and I needed time to work through it all.”

“This have anything to do with LB being here a few days ago?”

Clarke smirked at Raven’s nickname for Octavia. “She didn’t know that Bellamy was here.”

“Of course, she didn’t, he’s an idiot.”

“He said it was so he could be himself before she saw him again.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Something about me. He needs me to calm him, I don’t know. The way he explained it, it made perfect sense at the time and the more I think about it now, it sounds horribly codependent and unhealthy.”

“That sounds exactly like you and Bellamy.”

Clarke sighed, “But I don’t want to be that anymore.”

“I get that completely, and I think he does too. He’s at least trying though. Can you say the same?”

“I’m trying, I’m just a little warier and skeptical about letting him in again.”

“Have you tried seeing it from his perspective? He was going through a lot, he wasn’t going to college like everyone else, he was still in high school… maybe it was all getting to him and he couldn’t deal with all the pressure of that and the intimacy with you was his way of having control over something. He still loved you, just the sex wasn’t the intimacy for him. Does that make sense?”

“Have you met him and talked to him about it because that somewhat makes sense.”

“No, but I was in a relationship where there was a control aspect and it made sense so I know where he’s coming from and I know where you’re coming from. I saw the guy years later and I didn’t want to be back in the mindset I was back then. We weren’t anything more than friends and he’s happily married now.”

“I want that with Bellamy. God, I haven’t admitted that since he’s been back, but I do. He’s changed and he’s great, I’m just scared that the physical aspect of our relationship will backtrack.”

“Just take it one step at a time and you’ll both get there.”

“I didn’t think of that. You’re a genius.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Raven smirked.

* * *

 

Clarke knocked on Bellamy’s door with the intention of taking things one step at a time as Raven said. She’s going to kiss Bellamy and see what happens, she had a plan and that didn’t include finding a gorgeous, tall and busty woman at his door. “Can I help you?” she snarked with attitude.

“Uh, is—is Bellamy here?”

She looked over her shoulder and called into the apartment, “Baby, some woman’s here to see you.”

“You know what? Never mind. I’ll see him another time,” she grimaced and turned back around and headed back down the stairs.

“Whatever.” Clarke heard the door close as she was halfway down the flight.

She was out on the sidewalk when Bellamy called her name.

“Who is she?”

“We were in the same platoon, we were together for a while but I never stopped thinking about you. She’s just visiting and probably hoping to rekindle what he had in Iraq. I don’t want that, I only want you.”

Clarke turned back and stopped right in front of Bellamy. “You promise?”

“I promise I am never going to do anything with anyone else, that I don't have feelings for anyone else. I won’t love anyone else; just you.”

Clarke smiled softly, leaning into him as she brought his head down to meet her on her tippy toes and kissed him. It was slow and passionate and everything Clarke was hoping it would be in their reconnection.

(Let’s face facts, she’s been wanting this since he broke up with her.)

His arms wrapped around her waist and held her close when he pulled back, leaning his forehead against hers. “What does this mean?”

“One step at a time. I don’t know anything more than that. I want to trust you, I do. That woman’s making it difficult but I’m trying.”

“She’s leaving tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Clarke smiled and pushed up on her toes to kiss him again, it’s rather intoxicating, she remembered that from high school.

“So, I know we’re doing this one step at a time, but can I take you out Saturday night?”

“A date? We’ve never been good at those.”

“I know,” Bellamy laughed. “I’m trying to be better, remember?”

“Yeah, okay. Saturday.”

“I’ll text you more when I know, okay?”

Clarke nodded. “Go back, you have some hot company.”

“She’s a cool person but not the person I want to be with.”

“You already convinced me, you don’t have to keep saying it.”

“Okay. I’ll see you Saturday,” Bellamy smiled before kissing Clarke so thoroughly, she stood there dazed as he headed back into his building.

“Saturday,” Clarke repeated, touching her lips, missing his lips already.

She’s totally fucked.


End file.
